Words from My Father

1. On Cookies
"This needs more ketchup."
2. On The Same Cookies, About Fifteen Minutes Later
"You know what would go great with these cookies? Guacamole."
3. On His Will.
"If you do that, I'll disinherit you. You won't be receiving my extensive Sharpie collection."
"I didn't even know you had a Sharpie collection."
"You'd be surprised.
4. On Diapers
"What is this about 'for fifteen pounds?'. When you were a baby, your diapers burst after one or two."
5. On Appropriate Morning Food
"You want some Coffee with Tomato Juice?"
6. On Sibling Rivalry
"Is your sister making you uncomfortable with water-boarding?"
7. On Showering
"Oh you took a shower? No wonder it smells like wet dirt."
8. On Toenails
"Your toe-nails have gotten so long they're scratching the floor. I could hear you scuttling here all 'chssh chsssh chsss'. "
9. On Just About Anything Edible
"Oh, you're eating _____. You know that'll make you poop."